A girlfriend of mine has been in a long term relationship with a man for years, and on the days that they spend apart, she ends a phone call with him by automatically saying, “Love you.”
Occasionally, he answers, “I love you, too.”
Or maybe, “You know I love you,” as if hot tongs are being held to his tongue.
Worse, he’ll say, “Have a good evening,” or perhaps the deadly, “Get some rest.”
If she complains, he tells her that he feels as though she’s pushing him into a corner. That she just wants to hear him say “I love you”. That he doesn’t like playing games. That she knows he loves her, because he told her last month.
“A lot can change in a month,” she tells him, on a good day. On a bad day, she says, “You’re nuts. It’s not a trick. I do love you, when I say it. But when you deliberately don’t say it back, it feels cruel.” Or she’ll call him commitment phobic.
I say to her, “Do you think he loves you?”
“Yes,” she says, without hesitation.
“Then let it go.” Those are my pitiful words of wisdom.
But maybe that’s what all of us in decent relationships have to do. Pick our battles. Or get mad, for a minute or two, and let it go. Because in the end, who the hell is perfect?
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